I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
