I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
