he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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