oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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