and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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