My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
