one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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