Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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