Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
