You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I want a musical about memes.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
