Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My vagina is very pro this idea
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
