I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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