Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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