You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
