it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
