If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
