when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Sorry my hands just texted you
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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