you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
