as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
