2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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