When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Michael Bay diarrhea
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
In other news, I just burned my penis
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
