i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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