i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
