Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
