Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Houston, we have a blender
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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