i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
