I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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