Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
