I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
