Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
