im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
