it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
