I just cut my nipple shaving
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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