How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
