i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
