This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
