i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
