Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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