alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
