I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
