My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
