and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
