Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
