omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
