My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
