I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
