I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
