Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
