I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
