your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
