You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
