Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
