meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
